My 2019

The year 2019 was my year of healing. Marawi siege and all the other personal problems that came with it have beaten me up badly since 2017. I have broken my heart over and over again. And the hurt that I carried in my heart made me inflict pain on people around me, both intentionally and unintentionally. It was a cycle of heartache upon heartache. It needed to stop.

So on 2019, I decided to step back, evaluate, and finally heal.

First thing that I did was to consciously detach myself from my online persona. I haven't written anything new this year on my blog. My Twitter is virtually dead now. My Instagram has been posted to only 15 times the whole year. My Facebook page is a desert island of shared memes and links. In sum, I barely shared my life in social media. It was important for me to take back my privacy and have control over the information that I share. Moreover, being on social media a lot make us "perform" a version of ourselves that is more "goals". I didn't want that. I yearned to see the version without filter. So I can love me just as I am.

Second thing on my to-do list was to truly truly take care of myself this year. I began by investing on skin treatments that costed me an arm and a leg to heal scars from acne that I had since puberty.

I enrolled in the gym with my best friend, Martha.

And I now have a skincare routine that works for my skin type. I've never had clear skin for this long. And it lifted so much weight on my shoulders. Ladies, you know what I am talking about.

And that made me took a lot of selfie, mostly I didn't share, the ones I did were for IG stories only.

Third, I opened up myself to new friendships. I became less maarte with stuffs in general, and became more game.

Fourth, I learned how to study. To really study. To be able to allocate time for reading and having the patience to follow through my study schedule. I found myself in many group study sessions and free time spent in the library. I went to class even if I barely slept, even on days when my mood was in its lowest. I have never been this motivated to learn.

Last, but not the least thing on my list was to be there more for my family. I wanted to be a better sister, better daughter, and a better tita. My family went through a lot. We lost our family home during the siege and have been in three houses since. There were strains in our relationships as we tried to hold ourselves together. Perhaps everyone of us had their way of coping with life traumas. In the end, we had to be strong for each other and be more accepting of each other.

My fondest memories of 2019 are those days I spend babysitting my niece Marzia. There are many days when I chose her over everything else. When I could be hanging out elsewhere, I was home playing with her, singing along her favorite Youtube channels. She grew up so fast before my eyes and my heart is full because of her. Alhamdulillah! (I learned how to be a tita from my own tita. She loves like no one else does. I just hope that I would be blessed more in the coming years so I can provide for my niece Marzia and my other niece, sis Daniah's newborn, Wafiyah, and other future pamangin.)

I will also remember fondly the year my sister Aya graduated magna cum laude and got accepted into UP College of Medicine. The stage sister that I am was always with her, doing her makeup and taking photographs. I am deeply deeply proud of her.

Photos below were taken when I accompanied her to Manila for her final interview before she finally got accepted in the prestigious university.

As the year, the decade, comes into close, I can't help but tear up. It's been a hell of a ride these past few years. I came out of the darkness as a person I like more. I didn't have major brag-worthy milestones but I am proudest this year because everything happened within me. The changes may be imperceptible to others but every small change is a product of great effort. And it is with great fulfillment that I perceive all the changes myself. How I am seen by the public is not that relevant anymore. As I retreated into my shell, I changed. I let go of the hurt. I clung to hope. I healed.

I was offline most of the time. I was working on myself. I was pursuing a dream.

If I am going to sum up twenty nineteen, I say it was the year of self-love. Here's to another year of love!

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.”