Of Changes

 It's the second quarter of the year and I have published only one blog post so far (see Grief's Anatomy). So much has happened not only this year but last year as well but words came not when I needed them. I could not write. Many times, I stare back at my reflection and see myself to have lost some baby fat on my face, betraying my age. But other than that, I could not perceive the change in me that caused this virtual muteness.

Perhaps the reason why I could not write is that I was grieving, I still am. Grief is not something you can skip nor quicken. It takes its time. I can say, the veil has lifted, although its shadow remains. Moreover, I felt like I have narrowed down my blog niche that I find it hard to write things that I am currently interested in. I second guess myself when I want to write about beauty, fashion, food, movies, and about my life generally. I feel silly, even.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
― Lao Tzu

I changed. Not as much on the outside but also on the inside. I used to enjoy silly things, I used to be proud of my eccentricities. I lost touch with an important part of me. I forgot who I used to be.

Last year was chaotic, to say the least. I was uprooted, shaken, and thrown out of my home. There are stories about Marawi Siege and its ramifications. There are relationships that are no more. I no longer sleep on the bed I sleep on since I was 10. But this post is not for that. I owe my readers some update, and I owe myself this time to sit, let myself lose and the virtual ink flow.

And so the online silence. Today, it's going to change, I am going back to the very reason I started blogging I started blogging more than half a decade ago, when blogging wasn't big, when it wasn't commercialized, when it was just a bunch of people putting out there themselves, no influencers, no Instagram models. I missed that. I missed me blogging my random thoughts without the fear of disappointing my readers; or judged.

Through my uncensored mouth, I intend to get to know me again. I have buried a multitude of desires and opinions in the effort to maintain a facade. I'd like to pour out all the words that are constantly buzzing in my head so I can make sense of my experiences, piece them together to form a collage of something that may be representative of who I am at the moment.

DISCLAIMER: Although honesty is what I am going for right now, there is one slice of my life that I am keeping off the web. In the right time, it will be known. But right now, let me enjoy blogging again, like the old times.

Before I end this post, here's an update:

I am okay.
I am healthy.
I feel pretty most days.
I excited for things to come.
I am grateful.

This blog has a new domain ( my old one expired and I can't get it back yet), my new domain is

byayeesha.com

Dito na lang muna. I really missed this catatonic feeling of free-writing. Come back here next week, I will be posting weekly, In Shaa Allah (God willing).