[[ ALWAYS? ]]

(late post)

My temples are throbbing like there are time bombs beneath. This late afternoon's chemistry exam wrung every drop of vital force in my core that my limbs hang like boneless creatures. I turned to my good old headphones to listen to good old music from good old times in the hope that it can create a spark in my combustion engine within. I am swinging and singing along and imagining that I am as good as Haley of Paramore and I am in a small café and singing beautifully and you happened to come by and see me and think to yourself what a splendid song bird I am. Silly thoughts.

Ooooh . Yeahh… heyyyyeah. Tududut tut. Yeah. Turudut turut tudut.Tududut tut. Tururut tudut turut… So I was so engrossed with Mariah's song, Always be my Baby. I sing along with it and because I am deaf to my own voice, I absolutely am positive that I totally rock the lines where the notes curl and dance around. But of course, my singing is really more like fingernails scratching the blackboard. I'm singing these lines with eyes closed. You'll always be a part of me, I'm part of you indefinitely. Boy don't you know you can't escape me? Oh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby.

And then in the blackness that I see with shut eyes. I saw you. I know I know. I said we'll forever be strangers and I am moving on and I won't wait for you and I won't care anymore and I don't give a damn and I'd rather not have you at all if we are just like this because you hurt me because I wanted more because I can't be blinded anymore by fantasies because I am starting to be logical because I am a grown up because I can't take a risk if you won't too.

It struck me. Damn. I still think of you. Awfully a lot.

Oh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby.

Seriously, I have to delete this song from my playlist.